“Whither Thou Goest?”
“You need to find someone”. I’m increasingly hearing this urgent plea from my friends. Another way it’s put, “ You’ll at least need a companion as you get older”. There is concern in their voices and I’m wondering if I should worry. It’s been 5 years since Johnny died. That is a long time and yet it does not seem like a long time. In the beginning the break up of the minutiae of daily life in the 35 years that we were together created feelings of displacement. But I had my work and my own friends and my own activities and interests that continued uninterrupted and soon took over my daily routine. I’m happy enough, I sleep well at night, I have no responsibility to anybody, I’m financially secure and totally free to do anything I please. So what is missing in my life that my friends are so concerned about?
Perhaps I should address the question, whither thou goest? I was going somewhere with Johnny, but he was called away, so I’m changing travel plans. As we put the trip together, he had his contribution to the itinerary so I have to ask myself now if I want to take the same trip exactly. In a way it is exciting to be given another opportunity to see a different world.
What makes a life full? What makes a meaningful life? I’ve said before that my soul craves for more adventure and passion and thrill than what my own talents, courage and circumstances can provide. I have to come to terms with my own possibilities, and this I hope to resolve by observing how others live.
There are the great lives, the larger than life adventures of being. The lives of talented men and women in pursuit of their art or ideas above all else command spellbinding awe and inspiration. Ferdinand Magellan defying established knowledge by sailing westward to reach the Spice Islands in the east thereby becoming the first to circumnavigate the world, did not live to enjoy the rewards of his efforts. He was killed by Rajah Lapu-lapu in the battle of Mactan, in the Philippines, but he saw he succeeded in proving his theory. Marie Curie died of leukemia, a consequence of her pioneering work in the discovery of radium. She was gifted in math and science but was barred from pursuing her goals in medicine because of her gender but she refused to give up and found other ways, and succeeded and was rewarded with 2 Nobel prizes.Gandhi and Martin Luther King went against the tide of prevailing attitudes for securing political power and effecting change, that of tearing an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, by espousing non-violence. Both lost their lives in the hands of assassins, but their ideas prevailed in civil rights and freedom movements throughout the world. Beethoven worked on the Diabelli Variations for 4 years, refused to publish it until he was satisfied that he has gotten all the music out of it, and endured poverty and failing health until he completed 33 variations, a composition that had been described as unparallelled in its imagination, power and subtlety. Amandine Aurore Lucile Dupin, Baroness Dudevant, rebelled against her confined and prescribed life as an aristocratic woman in 19th century France. She left her much older husband and under the pseudonym George Sand wrote successful novels which supported her and her children. She advocated equality with men in the conduct of personal affairs, and achieved notoriety with her liaisons with famous artists, among them Chopin, Alfred de Musset and Gustave Flaubert. She smoked in public and wore men’s clothes because they were more comfortable than the restrictive corset and layers of petticoats worn by the era’s fashionable women. The English novelist Mary Ann Evans wrote also under the psedonym George Eliot so her work, which was not the usual romance novels accepted from women, will be taken seriously. Her novels Adam Bede, Silas Marner. Mill on the Floss, Middlemarch, Daniel Deronda, etc, were huge commercial successes. In her personal affairs, like Dudevant, she defied the behavior codes prescribed for women. She was open about her affair with a married man, and later after his death, she married a man 20 years her junior. Both were shunned by the establishment but they prevailed.
These great lives are distinguished by clarity of vision, freedom, boldness in the pursuit of goals and unswerving focus in spite of seemingly insurmountable barrriers, including death. It is not an easy life, it is not a safe life, it is a life lived. It brings to mind a cliche, “It’s Not How Long You Live, Rather How Well You Live”.
How well does one live? Can ordinary people with ordinary talents aspire to lead a life of consequence? A child learning to walk falls repeatedly, but he senses the thrill of walking and the potential in his legs, so he becomes bold and single-minded in his purpose and ignores the falling, gets up and try again until he gets it right, yes! And don’t we all remember the joy, the exhilaration of being! Great lives are awesome, they touch us and they inspire us, but this child’s joy at mastering walking affects us just the same.
I observe around me and I see great lives being lived all the time. A friend loves her work, proud that she is competent in what she does and finds creative expression in individualizing her services to each client. Another confronted her fear and traveled alone as a challenge to her courage. Another quit a comfortable and well-paying job, to pursue her dream of owning her own restaurant. Another defied unwritten rules in Philippine high society about looking the other way of a prominent husband’s casual liaisons. She petitioned for annulment of her marriage and did not regret giving up her glittering hostess role.
From these observations, it’s clear to me that “must have someone”, and needing a companion has nothing to do with having a life well lived at all. Life is one’s own, and relationships must enrich and enliven that life. Living life well is not for settling, or for being safe. I’m surrounded by family and friends who let me be, they appreciate my talents, they live their own lives and share them with me, they inspire me and they care about me, and I care about them, I have freedom, I am excited to see what everyday brings, to meet someone new, to see how one is similar or different from me, how they can share new experiences with me, and I with them, to see a big world. I have charted my voyage, life calls. What I’m missing is what I’ve lost. Being with Johnny made me understand what Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnets from the Portuguese was all about. I will open myself to the possibility, and my friends will help, but he will not be a companion.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I teared up reading this. Even though I have not lived a life with my companion as you have with Tito Johnny, I have a hint of understanding after going through my divorce after 10 yrs of marriage. At first, like you, there was a feeling of displacement, but I bounced back. I agree, friends, family, work, and other hobbies filled my life. After 5 years of flying solo and several mediocre relationships, I craved that constant safety or that person I always was able to fall back on or share anything and everything. I guess it's because I have not experienced the same level of stability you have lived through, the 35 years of companionship. I only hope I can get there and live that same fulfilled history. I have enjoyed reading your writings. Keep going Tita Metty!
Responses to Whither Thou Goest?
"How well does one live? Can ordinary people with ordinary talents aspire to lead a life of consequence? A child learning to walk falls repeatedly, but he senses the thrill of walking and the potential in his legs, so he becomes bold and single-minded in his purpose and ignores the falling, gets up and try again until he gets it right, yes! And don’t we all remember the joy, the exhilaration of being! Great lives are awesome, they touch us and they inspire us, but this child’s joy at mastering walking affects us just the same."
thank God!
and yet why do i feel this is not going to stop the put-downs, the one constant in my life... and now my son's.
but hold your horses... it's not your voice that ringing in, or wringing, my psyche. yours is background, a foundation i go back to when things go bad.
Dear Metty,
Thank you for sharing as usual. Your musings touched me deeply.
I cannot help but think of what it will be like for me if/when Mars leaves me permanently , be it death or other means.
Year 1970 we were separated for 2 months when Patricia was born past my due date and Mars' internship at Bon Secours required his presence. Being with my parents and all the support system gave me security.
From time to time, we went to our own conferences. Four to seven days separation were easy to handle as work and the children kept us busy.
January 2-February1, 2009 separation was different. I was "alone" in the house. I was more lonely than I have ever felt before.
I have helped a colleague deal with her recent widowhood this past year.
I know there will be friends around for me when my time comes.
I will pray for peace of mind and joy in your heart being "single".
YOU have always been an achiever.
God bless.
Norma
We don't exactly know what brought all these musings but thanks for
sharing them with us. We both learned early on that life usually and
normally goes on no matter what the interruptions are. We know for sure
that our friend Johnny will be happy if you are, so go on and live your life
the way you want. Rest assured that you can count on us as your friend and
we'll always be behind you no matter what. --- eudy and ely
Like I said before and I will say it again, Miman, you are one of my idols. You live life so well, and full of excitements! I think you will find a friend when you are not expecting it. My second cousin from Kansas who is 60 years old got divorced from her Jordanian husband who is an oncologist. She caught him with his nurse. That was almost 10 years ago. She moved to Kansas with her 2nd child, bought a condo and join a singles group in one of the catholic churches. She was passing brochures one day about a golf tournament I guess, and one of the guys (white, 3 years younger than her), noticed her. She by the way is a tennis player and a golfer too. Anyway, this guy Bob is only 57 years old and in an engineer. He was given a retirement package by Colgate and Palmolive, he can't refuse. He too, caught his wife with another man because he worked all the time and she was a stay home wife. To make the story short, they have been dating for 2 years now and they were here last weekend at Bent Tree and played golf with us this past Sunday. My cousin knows every sweet word to say to make him do anything she ask, hehehe just like us....Bob does it willingly and he is not bad looking at all. We sang karaoke and they both love it too! They want to come back, so next time I will make sure you get to meet them just in case there are other Bobs out there.
enjoyed the latest musings you shared with me,
Really, life is all about living it the way you alone sees fit !
Cheers !
Lynn
I read your musings. I'm already thinking the same question and I've only been retired 4 business days. But unlike you, the person I thought I'd share my life with "died" more than 23 years ago. Yet, I didn't find it necessary to look for a replacement. As a matter of fact, I have never dated for that long, not because of loyalty or crap like that, but because I was too busy existing. Now that, like you, I'm free, I feel burdened with the sudden freedom. I have always been afraid of taking risks -- I must break out of that mode. The risks I took were always calculated risks.
I went to college not knowing what I really want, went to get employed not knowing if that's what I really want. I seem to have talents that I never pursued because I was afraid to take risks. Safety, always safety. I always didn't want to impose on the kindness of people. I've had opportunities I didn't take because I didn't want to impose or feel indebted. Now I have to learn to let serendipity (Manay Nancy's favorite word) work for me.
You will recall the female nomad I wrote to you about -- Rita Golden Gelman http://www.ritagoldengelman.com/. I invited her to give a talk at the World Bank for a charitable campaign (Community Connections for the benefit of charities in the Washington metro area), an annual campaign sponsored by the World Bank but managed by staff members as volunteer work. I have been involved with that for several years in one form or another, mainly organizing charitable fund raising (bake sales, breakfasts, craft markets, etc.). I'm good at organizing events because I'm a detail-oriented person.
Rita accepted the invitation and I met and talked with her but not as much as I had wanted to. She happened to be in Washington for the inauguration. This is the first time I actually invited a stranger, so I think I'm getting that courage up to just do it. I read her book and that actually gave me the courage to just do it. Before that, I was over-analyzing everything and with over-analysis you don't get anything done.
I wanted you to meet her, but her time in Washington was limited. She's small, not at all tall as her photos seemed to project. But she must have been attractive when she started her journey as a female nomad. She's always open to new friendships and up to now, she's still a nomad although I think when she's not traveling, she takes a furnished rental in Seattle to be near her daughter and grandchildren. It would be good to invite her just to talk about her life, one-on-one. She's done some "wild" things. I didn't have a chance to really talk to her because after the lecture I had to go back to work. She brought two new friends along to the lecture, whom she met -- again -- through serendipity. She was going to Spain after Washington to spend a week in Vaughantown -- a sort of Pueblo Ingles -- in Spain. Do you want to invite her one day in Atlanta? You can mention my name. You just need to provide a room for the time she's there. It would be good to pick her brains as she's done what you're doing for so long -- you might get some insights. I can join you. I asked her if she planned to take root somewhere and she said she hasn't really done it. She follows no map. I actually had a few people at the World Bank who inquired about her long after the event -- a sign that there are people out there who don't follow the norm.
I've been looking into some volunteer work although you pay to volunteer (I didn't know that) -- http://www.crossculturalsolutions.org
I'm interested in Nepal and Morocco. Do you want to join me? Since I have no set plans, I can do it whenever. It would be less of a culture shock if there's someone else to commiserate with. My main purpose is not that I'm a compassionate person, but because I'm trying to find what it is that would make life fulfilling. They offer comfortable accommodations and it's a well-respected organization. Who knows, there might be a compassionate person lurking inside me, really.
As for a life companion of the opposite sex, I'm open to that except I haven't really proactively been looking like some women I know. But who knows? In these serendipitous pursuits, you might find one.
I'm also thinking of spending some time in Mexico (so as not to burden Mike too much while I'm in California) --not Mexico City but other states in Mexico, like Queretaro. You can stay in Mexico for 180 days without a visa. Rentals are very affordable and the cost of living is cheap, it's in the same continent as the US. So it's not a bad place to think and have fun at the same time. I planned to enroll in Spanish so I can meet people and know the place better before I go it alone in a furnished rental. I have some contacts in Mexico City, where World Bank has a resident office, who can give some good advice. They actually recommended Queretaro (and some other states that most people don't know about -- at least not the tourists). If you like that idea, one thing we can do together is write a novel! a la Joy Luck Club. I think we have stories to tell.
Post a Comment